I'm continuing with the story of WHY we chose special needs adoption. If you haven't read it yet, check out part one here.
I started this series by telling you about when we learned that our princess L has special needs, and how it affected us. As time went on, we began to embrace our new life. Life went on, as it always seems to do; and our family continued to grow. One son joined our family through guardianship (we were later able to adopt him) and then we had another son. We moved to a rural area to be near my family, and our children thrived. Everyone was happy and healthy.
There are moments when life turns on a dime, and your entire life changes in an instant. I had one of these moments in the middle of an ordinary day. I was killing time on Facebook, like I do all too often. I ran across a blog post that a friend had shared, and I read it. The blog has been taken down since then, but I'll never forget it. This post gutted me. An adoptive mom talked about their process to adopt a little boy with Down Syndrome in Eastern Europe and the conditions that he lived in. She talked about how he was starving and neglected, how the judge wanted to block the adoption because of the belief that a child with DS wasn't worth adopting. She discussed the fact that in many countries children are sent to orphanages just because they are born with special needs. Entire societies believe that it's BETTER for a special needs child to grow up in an orphanage because they will never amount to anything. At the time she was adopting, the judge didn't even want to allow the adoption because he believed that the child with Down Syndrome wasn't worth it and she needed to adopt a "normal" child. It was like a punch in the gut. All I could see was my daughter - how would she be seen through their eyes? How would that judge, that society, that mindset see my precious daughter?
I shared with my husband, who was as shocked as me. We began to pray and research. My ongoing prayer was "Lord, what can we DO?" This is going on in many, many countries. The problem is more complicated than just "they don't want these kids". Poverty, poor access to medical care, and few support systems are all factors that play into this. We are blessed in America - our disabled children receive services through public early intervention programs and public schools. Almost every community has a support network for parents nearby, and many places have educational programs for parents. And if a parent is impoverished and has no access to medical care, their child can receive Medicaid, which will provide for that child's medical care - and America has top-notch medical care. And just as importantly, in America, it's normal to see people with disabilities in schools, restaurants, wherever you go. Society accepts parenting special needs children as the norm. But this is not the case in so many places.
Can you imagine being a young, scared birth mom, who just gave birth and learned that your child has special needs? Needs that you didn't expect and you don't know how to deal with? Can you imagine knowing that you can never access the medical care that your child needs? How hard would it be to choose to parent this child, when most people around you have never seen someone parent a special needs child, the schools are not equipped for the child, the doctors are telling you that the best place for your child is an orphanage.... I can't imagine. I pray that these factors can change and more families are able to parent their special needs child. To me, THAT is the answer to the orphan crisis.
In the meantime we are left with this: There is a staggering number of children in orphanages throughout the world with very little hope of adoption in their country and often abysmal living conditions. All over the world there are children who are emaciated and dying in institutions. Many times the orphanage staff tries, but their resources are limited and some of these children need so much. Other times the orphanage staff doesn't try - they abuse the children. And nobody cares, because they have no family. They have no voice. No matter what - no orphanage, not even a good one, can compare to being part of a family. These children, they live with no hope, no future, no mommy to tuck them in at night. These precious children are "the least of these." And God tells us over and over to care for the least of these.
These children - they are no different than my L. She was just born to a different family in a different place. This little girl, who is the light of my life, would be hopeless, abandoned, and alone if she were born in one of these places. That is so painful for me to accept.
Here's the thing: When you don't know, you can ignore it. But when you KNOW, you are responsible to act. For me, it haunts me. It physically pains me to know that these children are in such need. Every time I read a waiting child listing for a special needs child, I think of how my precious L would be listed. It would not be flattering, I can promise you that. It follows me throughout my day. I don't look at money the same way - I compare frivolous spending to the cost of an adoption. I look for ways to buy gifts from adoption fundraisers (sorry to everyone who didn't get what you actually wanted, but rest assured, you helped save a life!) I watch my daughter play or pick her up from school and wonder how it is that she has such freedoms while other kids are locked away, tied to a crib, for the crime of being born with special needs. I will never see the world the same way again.
What can we DO? The answer for us was clear: We are called to adopt. Not just any child, but an older child with a disability, who would most likely need life-long care. Basically, a child who is unlikely to be adopted. A child like our princess L. We weren't ready. We had our hands full, and the costs were almost insurmountable. God told us NOW. So, now we are going. Despite the odds, the difficulties, and the fact that this is just flat crazy, it's a God-ordained crazy, so we are going for it!
Everyone needs to ask "What can we DO?" but the answer is NOT always adoption. There are so many roles for people to help kids both here and abroad. Everyone can DO SOMETHING. I'll hit on some options in another post in order to keep this from turning into a novel. :-)
To end, I'll give you this:
Adoption listing description: (a guess based upon what I've seen on others)
Girl, age 5. Severe mental delay, very poor speech development, hypotonia, chromosomal anomaly, does not feed herself well, is not potty trained, is not social with other children, does not respond to commands. Unlikely to ever live independently.
My description:
Girl, age 5. Beloved daughter, granddaughter, sister, and niece. She's cognitively delayed, but she learns something new every day. She's mostly non-verbal but sometimes she surprises us. She communicates quite well without words, and ALWAYS manages to get what she wants. She's not always very social, but she gives the world's best cuddles to those of us who she loves. We feel so blessed when she chooses to cuddle us that we always stop what we are doing to soak it up. She doesn't always show it, but there is a bright mind hidden behind her delays - we love it when she shines. She entertains us every day with her beautiful humming, and she is quite musical. She breathes light and life into our home, and we are blessed to be her family.
I started this series by telling you about when we learned that our princess L has special needs, and how it affected us. As time went on, we began to embrace our new life. Life went on, as it always seems to do; and our family continued to grow. One son joined our family through guardianship (we were later able to adopt him) and then we had another son. We moved to a rural area to be near my family, and our children thrived. Everyone was happy and healthy.
There are moments when life turns on a dime, and your entire life changes in an instant. I had one of these moments in the middle of an ordinary day. I was killing time on Facebook, like I do all too often. I ran across a blog post that a friend had shared, and I read it. The blog has been taken down since then, but I'll never forget it. This post gutted me. An adoptive mom talked about their process to adopt a little boy with Down Syndrome in Eastern Europe and the conditions that he lived in. She talked about how he was starving and neglected, how the judge wanted to block the adoption because of the belief that a child with DS wasn't worth adopting. She discussed the fact that in many countries children are sent to orphanages just because they are born with special needs. Entire societies believe that it's BETTER for a special needs child to grow up in an orphanage because they will never amount to anything. At the time she was adopting, the judge didn't even want to allow the adoption because he believed that the child with Down Syndrome wasn't worth it and she needed to adopt a "normal" child. It was like a punch in the gut. All I could see was my daughter - how would she be seen through their eyes? How would that judge, that society, that mindset see my precious daughter?
I shared with my husband, who was as shocked as me. We began to pray and research. My ongoing prayer was "Lord, what can we DO?" This is going on in many, many countries. The problem is more complicated than just "they don't want these kids". Poverty, poor access to medical care, and few support systems are all factors that play into this. We are blessed in America - our disabled children receive services through public early intervention programs and public schools. Almost every community has a support network for parents nearby, and many places have educational programs for parents. And if a parent is impoverished and has no access to medical care, their child can receive Medicaid, which will provide for that child's medical care - and America has top-notch medical care. And just as importantly, in America, it's normal to see people with disabilities in schools, restaurants, wherever you go. Society accepts parenting special needs children as the norm. But this is not the case in so many places.
Can you imagine being a young, scared birth mom, who just gave birth and learned that your child has special needs? Needs that you didn't expect and you don't know how to deal with? Can you imagine knowing that you can never access the medical care that your child needs? How hard would it be to choose to parent this child, when most people around you have never seen someone parent a special needs child, the schools are not equipped for the child, the doctors are telling you that the best place for your child is an orphanage.... I can't imagine. I pray that these factors can change and more families are able to parent their special needs child. To me, THAT is the answer to the orphan crisis.
In the meantime we are left with this: There is a staggering number of children in orphanages throughout the world with very little hope of adoption in their country and often abysmal living conditions. All over the world there are children who are emaciated and dying in institutions. Many times the orphanage staff tries, but their resources are limited and some of these children need so much. Other times the orphanage staff doesn't try - they abuse the children. And nobody cares, because they have no family. They have no voice. No matter what - no orphanage, not even a good one, can compare to being part of a family. These children, they live with no hope, no future, no mommy to tuck them in at night. These precious children are "the least of these." And God tells us over and over to care for the least of these.
These children - they are no different than my L. She was just born to a different family in a different place. This little girl, who is the light of my life, would be hopeless, abandoned, and alone if she were born in one of these places. That is so painful for me to accept.
Here's the thing: When you don't know, you can ignore it. But when you KNOW, you are responsible to act. For me, it haunts me. It physically pains me to know that these children are in such need. Every time I read a waiting child listing for a special needs child, I think of how my precious L would be listed. It would not be flattering, I can promise you that. It follows me throughout my day. I don't look at money the same way - I compare frivolous spending to the cost of an adoption. I look for ways to buy gifts from adoption fundraisers (sorry to everyone who didn't get what you actually wanted, but rest assured, you helped save a life!) I watch my daughter play or pick her up from school and wonder how it is that she has such freedoms while other kids are locked away, tied to a crib, for the crime of being born with special needs. I will never see the world the same way again.
What can we DO? The answer for us was clear: We are called to adopt. Not just any child, but an older child with a disability, who would most likely need life-long care. Basically, a child who is unlikely to be adopted. A child like our princess L. We weren't ready. We had our hands full, and the costs were almost insurmountable. God told us NOW. So, now we are going. Despite the odds, the difficulties, and the fact that this is just flat crazy, it's a God-ordained crazy, so we are going for it!
Everyone needs to ask "What can we DO?" but the answer is NOT always adoption. There are so many roles for people to help kids both here and abroad. Everyone can DO SOMETHING. I'll hit on some options in another post in order to keep this from turning into a novel. :-)
To end, I'll give you this:
Adoption listing description: (a guess based upon what I've seen on others)
Girl, age 5. Severe mental delay, very poor speech development, hypotonia, chromosomal anomaly, does not feed herself well, is not potty trained, is not social with other children, does not respond to commands. Unlikely to ever live independently.
My description:
Girl, age 5. Beloved daughter, granddaughter, sister, and niece. She's cognitively delayed, but she learns something new every day. She's mostly non-verbal but sometimes she surprises us. She communicates quite well without words, and ALWAYS manages to get what she wants. She's not always very social, but she gives the world's best cuddles to those of us who she loves. We feel so blessed when she chooses to cuddle us that we always stop what we are doing to soak it up. She doesn't always show it, but there is a bright mind hidden behind her delays - we love it when she shines. She entertains us every day with her beautiful humming, and she is quite musical. She breathes light and life into our home, and we are blessed to be her family.
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