I sit here in this place of radical obedience to God's call - where my entire life is laid out on the altar for what He has called us to do, and the thoughts whir...
Here's the thing about radical faith that you don't realize until you dive in over your heads - this is a holy place. This place where I can't possibly finish this on my own, where God HAS TO show up, it's a holy place. It's a place that can make you want to turn around, walk away, and do something sane with your life; but it's also a place that can drive you to your knees.
This place can show you God in a way you've never seen Him. All of the sudden you NEED Him. I live a comfortable American life. How many times do I need God? Sure, I need His grace and love every day, but when was the last time I needed Him to handle the logistics of my daily life? It's not very often. My life is pretty smooth. But this place - He HAS TO show up or these kids aren't coming home. It isn't even remotely possible for me to come up with $30k in 6 months on my own. So I live in this place of holy desperation - desperate to see God, to feel God, to know that I'm following His instructions in every monotonous detail. I'm desperate for Him to come through. Every cell in my body cries out for Him. It's hard to maintain this level of need in my every day life. I'm weak, and I slip & take the reins back. When I'm in this desperate place I can't help it. It is a holy place, because it is the place where I find Jesus over and over.
It's not easy to live life in over your head, but it is easy to enjoy this closeness with God. We've done this before, and we know that with this adoption we are committing to be over our heads for quite awhile. We don't really know what is coming with these boys, but we know we are committing to walk a long, hard road with them for as long as it takes to see deep healing. We don't know much about their needs associated with their disabilities, but we are committing to whatever level of support they need for the rest of our lives. It's not always easy to live this life, but it's easy to love this life. It's easy to love the beautiful family that God is knitting together, and that makes the hard work become good work. Helping children heal - it's consuming, exhausting, hard work, but it's holy work.
I am a control freak by nature. Perhaps the hardest part about this place is the lack of control. We have given God complete control of building our family. The country we are going to doesn't legally match children with families until the families are in the country preparing to meet the child. This means that it's possible that we could come home with different children. We are praying for, loving, and preparing for these 2 children, but there are no guarantees. That thought takes my breath away. All I have is God. All I have is the assurance that God will place the perfect children in our home. All I can do is pray, because my only power is prayer.
This place I'm in - it's so desperate. I'm utterly powerless over so many things - timelines, finances, travel, even the children I'm coming home with. I have to repeatedly lay aside my desires and ask what God's will is. I have many ideas of what our family should look like, but it's not up to me. The only thing I can do is pray, listen for God's voice, and work hard at what I'm asked to do. Everything else is up to God. This is a hard thing, but it is a wonderful thing - I have front row seat to watch the miracles. When I lay aside my wants, I have the experience of feeling God change my desires to match His will, and suddenly I'm handed something way better than what I wanted in the first place. God's will is always the best for us.
I'm at the very beginning of this journey with God. My faith is young, my experience is limited, and I have a lot to learn. But I am not content sitting back reading about it - I want to learn while IN this place of desperation. Every hour fundraising, every dead end or great success, every piece of paperwork, every prayer uttered for those boys, and every hard moment when we get home is my offering to them and to God. Every part of my life and my family is laid out as an offering to God - He can do what He wishes. Our entire family, even our children, are on board with this. We've done this before, we know the possibilities, and it would be easy to pick the pieces back up and tell God we don't want to surrender it all. He would let us do that. He would let us stop. He would let us keep our comfortable American lives. But it wouldn't be His best for us, and we know that. We certainly hope that we are impressing that upon our children, as they willingly walk this road with us.
So, I lay it out for God, because I do not fear what hard things I will be asked to do next - I fear what hard things these children will endure if I do not walk this road. I fear what I will miss if I walk away from God's will. So I will remain in this hard place of surrender. Surrender is beautiful. Desperation is life-altering. God is good.
If you are standing at the edge of a cliff, waiting to take that jump into what big,crazy thing God is asking you to do - do it.
"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God" - Corrie Ten Boom
Here's the thing about radical faith that you don't realize until you dive in over your heads - this is a holy place. This place where I can't possibly finish this on my own, where God HAS TO show up, it's a holy place. It's a place that can make you want to turn around, walk away, and do something sane with your life; but it's also a place that can drive you to your knees.
This place can show you God in a way you've never seen Him. All of the sudden you NEED Him. I live a comfortable American life. How many times do I need God? Sure, I need His grace and love every day, but when was the last time I needed Him to handle the logistics of my daily life? It's not very often. My life is pretty smooth. But this place - He HAS TO show up or these kids aren't coming home. It isn't even remotely possible for me to come up with $30k in 6 months on my own. So I live in this place of holy desperation - desperate to see God, to feel God, to know that I'm following His instructions in every monotonous detail. I'm desperate for Him to come through. Every cell in my body cries out for Him. It's hard to maintain this level of need in my every day life. I'm weak, and I slip & take the reins back. When I'm in this desperate place I can't help it. It is a holy place, because it is the place where I find Jesus over and over.
It's not easy to live life in over your head, but it is easy to enjoy this closeness with God. We've done this before, and we know that with this adoption we are committing to be over our heads for quite awhile. We don't really know what is coming with these boys, but we know we are committing to walk a long, hard road with them for as long as it takes to see deep healing. We don't know much about their needs associated with their disabilities, but we are committing to whatever level of support they need for the rest of our lives. It's not always easy to live this life, but it's easy to love this life. It's easy to love the beautiful family that God is knitting together, and that makes the hard work become good work. Helping children heal - it's consuming, exhausting, hard work, but it's holy work.
I am a control freak by nature. Perhaps the hardest part about this place is the lack of control. We have given God complete control of building our family. The country we are going to doesn't legally match children with families until the families are in the country preparing to meet the child. This means that it's possible that we could come home with different children. We are praying for, loving, and preparing for these 2 children, but there are no guarantees. That thought takes my breath away. All I have is God. All I have is the assurance that God will place the perfect children in our home. All I can do is pray, because my only power is prayer.
This place I'm in - it's so desperate. I'm utterly powerless over so many things - timelines, finances, travel, even the children I'm coming home with. I have to repeatedly lay aside my desires and ask what God's will is. I have many ideas of what our family should look like, but it's not up to me. The only thing I can do is pray, listen for God's voice, and work hard at what I'm asked to do. Everything else is up to God. This is a hard thing, but it is a wonderful thing - I have front row seat to watch the miracles. When I lay aside my wants, I have the experience of feeling God change my desires to match His will, and suddenly I'm handed something way better than what I wanted in the first place. God's will is always the best for us.
I'm at the very beginning of this journey with God. My faith is young, my experience is limited, and I have a lot to learn. But I am not content sitting back reading about it - I want to learn while IN this place of desperation. Every hour fundraising, every dead end or great success, every piece of paperwork, every prayer uttered for those boys, and every hard moment when we get home is my offering to them and to God. Every part of my life and my family is laid out as an offering to God - He can do what He wishes. Our entire family, even our children, are on board with this. We've done this before, we know the possibilities, and it would be easy to pick the pieces back up and tell God we don't want to surrender it all. He would let us do that. He would let us stop. He would let us keep our comfortable American lives. But it wouldn't be His best for us, and we know that. We certainly hope that we are impressing that upon our children, as they willingly walk this road with us.
So, I lay it out for God, because I do not fear what hard things I will be asked to do next - I fear what hard things these children will endure if I do not walk this road. I fear what I will miss if I walk away from God's will. So I will remain in this hard place of surrender. Surrender is beautiful. Desperation is life-altering. God is good.
If you are standing at the edge of a cliff, waiting to take that jump into what big,crazy thing God is asking you to do - do it.
"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God" - Corrie Ten Boom
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