***HUGE DISCLAIMER*** Newborn adoption, where a biological mom immediately gives the child to an adoptive family is NOT what I'm talking about here! That is a very loving, selfless act, and is beautiful for all who are involved. Older child adoption and foster care adoption, these things are a little more messy... please read on...
Okay, so the title of this post is probably a little shocking. You see, I LOVE ADOPTION! I really, truly do. Our family has been blessed by a child through adoption, and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Adoption has without a doubt made my life richer, fuller, more amazing. Adoption is a beautiful way to take a child from the depths of a tragic situation, and show them a new life. Adoption quite literally saves the lives of orphans in many cases. It gives them hope. It gives them a future with possibilities that could never have happened. But this weekend, we saw the hint of scars left behind, and I was reminded of how much I hate the other side of adoption.
You see, I HATE the brokenness that leads to many adoption scenarios. I HATE that our world is so broken that there are children dying in orphanages. I HATE that all across the world, children are given up to be raised in an orphanage simply because they are different. I HATE that children every day children from across the US come into foster care due to neglect, abuse, etc. I HATE that right now there is a family breaking apart at its seams, whether due to drugs, alcohol, poverty, abuse, or a million other factors. I HATE IT!
I love my adopted son more than life itself. In many ways, I am more fiercely protective of him than my bio children. He has already endured a lifetime worth of hurt and I want to protect him from more. He has walked through a journey that many people cannot handle, and he has emerged a beautiful, caring, compassionate boy. He is my hero. I could not imagine my life without him. But here's the catch: I wish with every fiber of my being that he could have had life without me. I would give up every moment of joy that he has brought my life if it meant that he could have lived a childhood with no trauma - just a childhood with loving parents in a functional home. Instead, he bears the scars of the past. I think maybe that's one of the most surprising aspects of adoption - that when you love a child and see how deep the scars run, you grieve for the child's past, you grieve for their biological parents, you find yourself wishing that you could have prevented these scars, because they are so deep that they are incredibly hard to heal.
Adoption involves trauma. We all want to carry this beautiful image of going up to the child, saying "We are your new parents", and the child falling into our arms in joy, and we all live happily ever after. That, my friends, is a myth. Any child who has been taken from everything he/she knows will be traumatized, sad, and/or grieving. Any child who has left biological parents, especially if they were old enough to remember them, will grieve for them, and will have doubts, questions, and fears about the adoption. And let's face it - kids who are adopted at older ages weren't simply lovingly given up so that they can have a better life. They were removed from a bad situation. These children bear the scars of abuse, neglect, institutionalization, or a million other factors. They have suffered trauma. Many times, they are scarred so deep that it seems like they will never heal. Those of us in the trenches parenting these children are in for a long, hard road. This parenting journey will never look like it does for "typical" families. We will often be judged by those around us for our unconventional parenting, for our poorly behaved child, for our family looking different, and for the different way we walk through this world. We find ourselves desperately seeking different counselors, looking for one who is knowledgeable in the murky world of childhood trauma. We spend our down time researching terms that we never knew existed, or that are unimaginable in a young child - RAD, PTSD, anxiety, depression, a million different learning disorders, nutritional deficiencies, etc. We spend our days teaching skills that should have been learned years before, correcting behavior, and trying again and again to explain to teachers, principals, Sunday School teachers and caregivers why your child needs different treatment, and how to work with your child. You begin to dread the calls from the school. You drastically change the way you parent, the way you interact with everyone in your household, the way you eat your meals, and on and on. Many, many adoptive parents have children with attachment disorders, and spend their lives making these sacrifices, but for a child who may rarely even show affection toward them. This is life in the trenches. It is dirty, complicated, scary work. But it is so worth it.
I HATE that my son has experienced trauma. I HATE seeing the scars that still remain. I HATE knowing that there are things that I just can't fix. I HATE knowing that his potential has been limited somewhat by the scars from the trauma. I HATE that he needs me to help fix his broken heart. But on the flip side, I LOVE watching the redemption of a life happen in front of my eyes. I LOVE IT! I LOVE seeing possibility happen. I LOVE seeing him come closer every day to reaching his full potential. I LOVE watching a life blossom, and a heart become opened. I LOVE when I can look back on where we started and realize that a scar has maybe, just maybe faded a little bit. I cannot get enough of his beautiful smile, his hugs, his love. I love that God has entrusted me with this beautiful life, and given me the opportunity to be a part of redeeming a broken story for God's glory. I love adoption, because it has given me the beautiful gift of this child, and it has given this child a chance to redeem a broken past and reach his potential.
***another disclaimer*** Please know, I play a very small part in the redemption of his heart. I do not have the power to heal a broken heart. I am not capable of doing any of this on my own. God alone has written the story of this child's life. I am just lucky that God chose to give me and my husband a part to play in this story.
I wonder if this is what God feels like when we begin to walk with Him. I imagine Him beaming proudly when we overcome our past and let the scars fade a little more. I imagine him soaking it up when we freely show Him affection instead of withdrawing. I imagine Him gently interceding with people around us, saying "treat her gently, she has walked a hard path before finding Me". I imagine God delighting in our redemption, in our walk drawing closer to Him; in the same way I delight in every expectation that is shattered by my child.
I hate adoption, because of the scars left by the trauma that happened before adoption. I hate that our world is broken, and that innocent children are suffering. But I also love adoption, because I love that God uses normal people to help redeem the lives of these precious children. I love seeing God at work in ordinary families, when they step up to nurture a hurting child. Foster parents and adoptive parents: you are my heroes! You make a daily choice to live in the trenches for these precious children. I know it isn't easy, and I applaud you. You are being the hands and feet of Jesus.
If you can't adopt or foster, you are still important! We need cheerleaders to encourage us. We need respite care for an evening or weekend. We need donations to help fund our adoptions. Our children need mentors, teachers, tutors, coaches, Sunday School teachers, and family members to pour into their lives. The children waiting need advocates, cheerleaders, fundraisers, doctors, lawyers, counselors, mentors. There is something that we can ALL do. So pick something, whether big or small, and DO SOMETHING.
Don't know where to start? I invite you to walk along this journey with us as we journey to adopt another child who needs us. This time it is a beautiful little girl with special needs in Eastern Europe. Want to help right now? You can make a tax-deductible donation to our adoption fund at: http://reecesrainbow.org/76200/sponsoroden
Or find another family to contribute to at: www.reecesrainbow.org
Want to help us without giving anything? Pray with us as we journey down this path. Pray now that her heart be prepared for us, and that our adoption proceed as quickly as possible. And continue to pray for us in the days, months, and years to come as we parent in the trenches.
Okay, so the title of this post is probably a little shocking. You see, I LOVE ADOPTION! I really, truly do. Our family has been blessed by a child through adoption, and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Adoption has without a doubt made my life richer, fuller, more amazing. Adoption is a beautiful way to take a child from the depths of a tragic situation, and show them a new life. Adoption quite literally saves the lives of orphans in many cases. It gives them hope. It gives them a future with possibilities that could never have happened. But this weekend, we saw the hint of scars left behind, and I was reminded of how much I hate the other side of adoption.
You see, I HATE the brokenness that leads to many adoption scenarios. I HATE that our world is so broken that there are children dying in orphanages. I HATE that all across the world, children are given up to be raised in an orphanage simply because they are different. I HATE that children every day children from across the US come into foster care due to neglect, abuse, etc. I HATE that right now there is a family breaking apart at its seams, whether due to drugs, alcohol, poverty, abuse, or a million other factors. I HATE IT!
I love my adopted son more than life itself. In many ways, I am more fiercely protective of him than my bio children. He has already endured a lifetime worth of hurt and I want to protect him from more. He has walked through a journey that many people cannot handle, and he has emerged a beautiful, caring, compassionate boy. He is my hero. I could not imagine my life without him. But here's the catch: I wish with every fiber of my being that he could have had life without me. I would give up every moment of joy that he has brought my life if it meant that he could have lived a childhood with no trauma - just a childhood with loving parents in a functional home. Instead, he bears the scars of the past. I think maybe that's one of the most surprising aspects of adoption - that when you love a child and see how deep the scars run, you grieve for the child's past, you grieve for their biological parents, you find yourself wishing that you could have prevented these scars, because they are so deep that they are incredibly hard to heal.
Adoption involves trauma. We all want to carry this beautiful image of going up to the child, saying "We are your new parents", and the child falling into our arms in joy, and we all live happily ever after. That, my friends, is a myth. Any child who has been taken from everything he/she knows will be traumatized, sad, and/or grieving. Any child who has left biological parents, especially if they were old enough to remember them, will grieve for them, and will have doubts, questions, and fears about the adoption. And let's face it - kids who are adopted at older ages weren't simply lovingly given up so that they can have a better life. They were removed from a bad situation. These children bear the scars of abuse, neglect, institutionalization, or a million other factors. They have suffered trauma. Many times, they are scarred so deep that it seems like they will never heal. Those of us in the trenches parenting these children are in for a long, hard road. This parenting journey will never look like it does for "typical" families. We will often be judged by those around us for our unconventional parenting, for our poorly behaved child, for our family looking different, and for the different way we walk through this world. We find ourselves desperately seeking different counselors, looking for one who is knowledgeable in the murky world of childhood trauma. We spend our down time researching terms that we never knew existed, or that are unimaginable in a young child - RAD, PTSD, anxiety, depression, a million different learning disorders, nutritional deficiencies, etc. We spend our days teaching skills that should have been learned years before, correcting behavior, and trying again and again to explain to teachers, principals, Sunday School teachers and caregivers why your child needs different treatment, and how to work with your child. You begin to dread the calls from the school. You drastically change the way you parent, the way you interact with everyone in your household, the way you eat your meals, and on and on. Many, many adoptive parents have children with attachment disorders, and spend their lives making these sacrifices, but for a child who may rarely even show affection toward them. This is life in the trenches. It is dirty, complicated, scary work. But it is so worth it.
I HATE that my son has experienced trauma. I HATE seeing the scars that still remain. I HATE knowing that there are things that I just can't fix. I HATE knowing that his potential has been limited somewhat by the scars from the trauma. I HATE that he needs me to help fix his broken heart. But on the flip side, I LOVE watching the redemption of a life happen in front of my eyes. I LOVE IT! I LOVE seeing possibility happen. I LOVE seeing him come closer every day to reaching his full potential. I LOVE watching a life blossom, and a heart become opened. I LOVE when I can look back on where we started and realize that a scar has maybe, just maybe faded a little bit. I cannot get enough of his beautiful smile, his hugs, his love. I love that God has entrusted me with this beautiful life, and given me the opportunity to be a part of redeeming a broken story for God's glory. I love adoption, because it has given me the beautiful gift of this child, and it has given this child a chance to redeem a broken past and reach his potential.
***another disclaimer*** Please know, I play a very small part in the redemption of his heart. I do not have the power to heal a broken heart. I am not capable of doing any of this on my own. God alone has written the story of this child's life. I am just lucky that God chose to give me and my husband a part to play in this story.
I wonder if this is what God feels like when we begin to walk with Him. I imagine Him beaming proudly when we overcome our past and let the scars fade a little more. I imagine him soaking it up when we freely show Him affection instead of withdrawing. I imagine Him gently interceding with people around us, saying "treat her gently, she has walked a hard path before finding Me". I imagine God delighting in our redemption, in our walk drawing closer to Him; in the same way I delight in every expectation that is shattered by my child.
I hate adoption, because of the scars left by the trauma that happened before adoption. I hate that our world is broken, and that innocent children are suffering. But I also love adoption, because I love that God uses normal people to help redeem the lives of these precious children. I love seeing God at work in ordinary families, when they step up to nurture a hurting child. Foster parents and adoptive parents: you are my heroes! You make a daily choice to live in the trenches for these precious children. I know it isn't easy, and I applaud you. You are being the hands and feet of Jesus.
If you can't adopt or foster, you are still important! We need cheerleaders to encourage us. We need respite care for an evening or weekend. We need donations to help fund our adoptions. Our children need mentors, teachers, tutors, coaches, Sunday School teachers, and family members to pour into their lives. The children waiting need advocates, cheerleaders, fundraisers, doctors, lawyers, counselors, mentors. There is something that we can ALL do. So pick something, whether big or small, and DO SOMETHING.
Don't know where to start? I invite you to walk along this journey with us as we journey to adopt another child who needs us. This time it is a beautiful little girl with special needs in Eastern Europe. Want to help right now? You can make a tax-deductible donation to our adoption fund at: http://reecesrainbow.org/76200/sponsoroden
Or find another family to contribute to at: www.reecesrainbow.org
Want to help us without giving anything? Pray with us as we journey down this path. Pray now that her heart be prepared for us, and that our adoption proceed as quickly as possible. And continue to pray for us in the days, months, and years to come as we parent in the trenches.
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